Thursday, April 15, 2010

the playlist of my prayers

Spring is here, and I'm stuck inside supposed to be studying for exams and doing projects...
But since I'm writing this, obviously my skills of procrastination are being practiced, not my skills of studying or project-doing.

The last few days the radio station I listen to has been having a pledge drive. While the begging for money is slightly annoying, the radio personalities are very upbeat and encouraging, and even through the beg-a-thon I still would choose this station over any other one...
I've listened to this station for probably over 5 years now since before I even started university. I remember specifically a time I listened to it before I did the Sea-2-Sea bike tour...so that was back in 2005.
I wanted to share some of the amazing music that has really touched my heart lately.

Better than a Hallelujah
(Amy Grant)

God loves a lullaby
in a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a hallelujah sometimes
God loves a drukards cry
A soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a hallelujah sometimes
***
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah
***
A woman holding on for life
a dying man giving up the fight
are better than a hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done
the silence when no words will come
are better than a hallelujah sometimes
***
We pour out our miseries,
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah
***
Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing loud
singing out...
***
We pour out our miseries,
God just hears a melody.
Beautiful the mess we are
the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah.


Sometimes people make such a huge thing about their prayers. Like the story about the pharisee praying out loud in the square with his hands up so that people could see what a "good" pray-er he was... this song really hit home for me in the personal relationship that prayer grows between us and God.
God doesn't ask for pretty words and proper grammar and sentence structure. He doesn't care how many "thees" and "thous" we put into our prayers. He wants our hearts. And our hearts are broken sometimes, but no matter how dirty or broken or hurting they are, when we lift our hearts to Christ, they are a beautiful sacrifice, because sometimes they are all that we have.

These last few weeks with B. gone, I've been home with C. by myself.
There are people around me who keep saying "you're so strong." and I would love to believe them, but I don't know how I'm getting through the days. It's like a fog sometimes. I feel as if I'm not really LIVING, I'm just SURVIVING. and I really want to LIVE.
The other morning I was driving C. to daycare, and this song was on my mind. I got into the car to head out, and as soon as I turned the car on, this song came on. The length of my drive was EXACTLY as long as the song was playing, and it ended as I put the car into park. I felt refreshed. Like God was just telling me to bring my heart to Him.

I talk so much about trusting God, and putting my trust in Him. and I need to practice it more. In every area of our lives we can trust God. whether it's with my finances, my schoolwork, my cleaning the house, my supervising C. so that the house doesn't explode....whatever it is, my strength and trust MUST come from my Creator.
I was reminded of that by a wonderful provision this week of a babysitter on a Saturday...I had begun to doubt that I would find someone to watch C, so I thought I would have to skip a class I signed up for, but out of the blue a lady from church called me and said that she would love to watch my son so that I could get some studying done...and she then said she would bring supper for me so I don't have to make food next week.....
So even without me praying for specific help, my panicked cry of "help" was heard and communicated to those who could help.
wow. my God is GREAT!

One other song that has been on my heart is "Beautiful History" by Plumb.
I think she's been around for a while, but I just heard this song a couple months ago and completely love her voice and her lyrics.

Beautiful History
(Plumb)

I have made mistakes
and I have been afraid
I have felt alone,
then you called my name
Things were crashing loudly,
happening all around me.
But your still small voice
was all that I could hear.

"I am here. I'm holding you.
You'll make it through this.
I am here. I am here."

Whenever you run away
Whenever you lose your faith
it's just another stroke of a pen on the page
A lonely ray of hope is all that you'll need
to see a beautiful history

Well I've been such a fool
When I have known the truth
I've wasted so much time
Doing what I wanted to
I've been living solely
for myself and myself only
But Your still small voice is whispering...

Whenever you run away
Whenever you lose your faith
it's just another stroke of a pen on the page.
A lonely ray of hope is all that you'll need
to see a beautiful history

I toss and turn and scream
I try to do everything
with two feet on the ground
I just keep falling down again.
I feel so far from home
Completely all alone
And then I hear you say

"I am here. I am here."

Whenever you run away
Whenever you lose your faith
it's just another stroke of a pen on the page
A lonely ray of hope is all that you'll need
to see a beautiful history.


I am so grateful for these lyrics that remind me that no matter how far away I run, I can always run back into the loving arms of God. No matter what happens, He is there.

And with that thought, I will sleep. Tomorrow is another day. One where I hope to trust in God more than I did today, and one where I hope that I talk to Him with honesty and openness...

Until next time.
A.